Two years ago , I was lucky enough to have opened my eyes to this beautiful treasure we call, life. My perception on all things & people were dramatically changed for the better.
Through this transition, I experienced moments where I thought there was never going to be light at the end of the tunnel. I would wake up daily and dread every moment that my body awoke. I didn’t want to show up to school, socialize with a single soul or even go about daily activities as any person would. My anxious & depressed mind was superior over me as a whole and took a large toll on my life in general to say the least.
Growing up, I gradually developed major anxiety, depression & OCD. At the time if someone were to tell me I could possibly have that, I would laugh in their face and call them crazy. At that moment in life, I was forced to deal with watching my grandmother that I loved deeply, slowly but surely, shrink away into skin & bones. She was diagnosed with stage 4 stomach cancer that had rapidly spread to her lungs and took over her without any notice, until last minute. By the time she was diagnosed, it was too late. Over the course of a couple months, she dropped down to 80 pounds. I was there for her through the whole devastating process of her trying to fight as much as she could. I watched her spoon feed herself a single piece of turkey on thanksgiving as well as the rest of the following holidays. My heart was beyond heart broken. No matter how upset I was, I would refuse to show it. Because hope goes a long way & that’s all she needed to hear for guidance and support. Unfortunately, as time went on my family and I found out the bad news that she had passed away and there were no words to describe the way I was feeling & the brutal thoughts I was experiencing.
As time went on 3 months after that, we also heard the horrible news about my grandfather passing away. If you have anxiety & depression you can only imagine how I was feeling mentally at this time. I felt at a loss of words.
A few months later, when school had started up again I was not physically nor mentally ready for classes to begin. I would continuously fight with my parents in the morning about going to school until I realized I had no way out , I would have to face reality. During class one day during a discussion, all of the students and the teacher were talking about death and what happens to the human bodies after death. My teacher was explaining the process , when he suddenly captured my attention with the words he was speaking. He was explaining how the human body eventually disenegrates & all that stays behind are our bones in the ground. I never really thought or studied much about this process & I was oblivious to all of the information he was stating until that moment. I absolutely lost it, and my anxiety/OCD were at an all time high. I went home that day and repetitively thought about what was said in class. I was utterly confused about the meaning of life, and I questioned every little thing about our existence. I didn’t understand or grasp the concept that us as humans, were just a skeleton underneath it all. I didn’t understand that our physical appearances were one day going to be vanished. I continued this thinking pattern for months , driving myself crazy. I thought I was on the verge of going fully insane. It got so bad that I would get ready for school , look in the mirror and not even be able to recognize who I was. “Why am I here? I have a name, but who actually am I? Who are all these people?” Those thoughts were a viscous , brutal cycle I couldn’t seem to shake. God forbid anyone ever knew the thoughts that were going through my mind, they would all think I’m crazy.
This torturous mind state slowly disappeared after hanging out with one of my good friends. We were sitting in the car in a parking lot & we started to get into conversation about life and she questioned me about what I thought would happen to us after we died & where we would go. For a moment, my mind froze. I hesitated to answer her question due to the thoughts I was already trying to block out. I ended up telling her “I’m not sure. I don’t even know if anything happens. We may just end up in the ground and that’s it.” Long story short .. she explained to me what her thoughts on it were and she thought simarily. I began to open up to her about my thoughts, initially telling her “ I know this sounds insane but” and ended up spilling my “bizarre” thoughts out to her. By the end of that night, I felt 50% better because she advised me that I was not alone , she had those thoughts frequently. To know I was not alone in this world, with the various thoughts I was thinking, fulfilled me with an immense amount of pleasance & reassurance that I was not insane. Since my OCD tends to intensify when I am alone, I started to do tons of research online. I was scrolling through google, when I came across a link with the title of “spiritual awakening”. My curiosity kicked in and I began to read the article. My mouth dropped because everything that was written was word for word what I was experiencing. The article went into detail about the thoughts that occur while going through this discovery. That was the exact moment that I opened my eyes to the whole process of life and humans. I continued to read all about spiritual awakenings and I never experienced such a feeling of purity and blissfulness like ever before. That was when I began my self discovery, or I should say life discovery. I felt as if I was yearning to find the emptiness to my soul and there it was, simply unfolded.
Acknowledging and taking in all of this new information gave me the opportunity to expand my mind and grow enormously to this day. We are not our names, or just our physical looks. There is more to every single individual than most people like I once did, think. I firmly believe every single one of us have a soul and if people could open their eyes to this eventually, the world would be drastically transformed into a more peaceful, loving place. I have come to look at the beauty of places, things and people very differently. I am now much more appreciative for the ups and downs in life. Although this was difficult for me to be able to share this with anybody, I am insanely proud of the progress I have made mentally and physically and where I am currently at today.
There is much more to this journey to understand than what I have written but I hope this helps people understand that tough situations don’t last forever. More times than not, they bring us many blessings in the end and we become stronger & more knowledgeable in many aspects of life. Embrace all struggles & blessings that come your way because after all, we only get to experience this life once.